I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think my moral compass just broke
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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