I just pynch a tree in the face
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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