I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
