you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
A+ Viking dick
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