please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
