dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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