I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
