A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
