there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
