I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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