i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
