I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
