Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
