a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
