i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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