I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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