How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How naked do you want me to be?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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