You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
