mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
