Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Banned from zoo.
Again?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
