Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
