We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
