i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
