I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
accomplished twins. life is a go
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
