Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
