i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
