I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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