buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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