I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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