i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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