I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We were destined to go to rehab together
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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