i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
