ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
