i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
