i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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