did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
