I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
