This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
