i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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