1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
