I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
