I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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