I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
