i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
