Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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