You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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