yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You pole danced in your parka.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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