I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
