I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
