I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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