I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
